Summertime

It’s summer time. We all know that. I didn’t have the funds set aside to pay for summer semester of school, so as a result I have to just suck it up and wait till fall starts in August… only two months away. (August 18 ? and I’m counting down the days).

I just cannot shake the anxiety over not having really anything to do that would fit into the “productive column”. Sigh.

I signed Jackson up for swimming lessons, which will start in another week… I kept the kids enrolled at their preschool at the advice of my guru AND John, because they both said, “you may find you wished you had kept them enrolled”…. true.

So, I have the perfect setting ahead of me. I can send kids to school, or take one out for the day… I have Jackson enrolled in swimming lessons so we can get him floating. LOL… (One less kid to worry about when we go boating.)

Why do I feel so anxious? I can make up a list of to-do items.

Number one- I really want to write up an “Olivia Handbook” for family members (including her dad). Nothing fancy and too in depth, just a “guide” of sorts with suggestions on strategies and tricks to keep her ABA learning flowing from household to household… not to mention, when you take a step back and reframe your perspective on situations with Olivia, the strategies I’ve learned actually make life a lot easier for everyone and keep her learning and making efforts all at the same time….

But, I can’t even bring myself to do that. I have a weird lingering feeling as if even doing that is not important enough.

Aww, heck, if that is considered not important enough, then what is?

It’s just that I have spent so much of my life under the pressure that doing productive activities and staying busy was the measure of quality. And yes, that is what helps me stay driven during the school year, but now when I’m in open season, I can’t allow myself to be “okay” with not “saving the world”, or bringing in income. The ex used to put a lot of pressure on me about going back to work, bringing in some income, etc. I was in real estate during the very beginning of our marriage, but by the time Olivia started needing intervention I was already pregnant with Jackson, and having a job outside of the home just didn’t fit in with my strong instinct to need to take care of my family. For heaven’s sake, the ex had an unpredictable work schedule as it was. When I was pregnant with Josephine he managed to finally convince me to get out there and find something, so I landed a job in sales at a web developer. It was nice to have the opportunity to re-shift my sense of self-value, at least outside of the house I could be validated by other adults, cause inside the house I was torn to shreds day in and day out by the ex’s criticisms. I was pregnant, had an undiagnosed autistic daughter who was getting sent to an incapable daycare everyday, my son was only 2 and very attached to mommy and again was just going to daycare… meanwhile, I was pregnant…. but staying home with the kids and taking care of the family was just never going to be good enough for the ex.

Ahhhh, soooo bring that all to 2009. I have been seeing my guru since about a month after my separation. I have worked really hard at getting over the torture of my marriage and all the havoc it wreaked over my sense of self, etc. I propelled myself through the nasty divorce, to come out making the dean’s list in school and all the while the “health” of my household is the best that it has ever been. It would be nice to just play “mom” from now until August 18th…. and yet………

Ooh, I have the answer! I need to listen to some bluegrass baby! Duh.

I oh so love Doc Watson’s version of Summertime…. Heaven!