“I don’t know how you do it”
I don’t know what the phrase means. I hear it at least once a week. I deeply appreciate the time the person has taken to notice that yes, indeed, my life is crazy hectic and busy. The phrase, “I don’t know how you do it,” though said with the best intentions, I know, actually makes me feel a bit more distant from the rest of you normally functioning folks. And what do I mean by “normally functioning folks”? I mean the rest of what seems like, at times, the rest of the adult population who are going on about their business in the usual form. Single and loving life, working or going to school. Married, with or without children, both working or not working, and if you do have children none of them are autistic, and if you are married you are happily married.
Confession here: I feel quite isolated in my experience in life. and of course, we really are not all perfect little stories with fairy tale endings I know this intellectually. Sure. I know. If this is starting to sound like self-pity, gosh, I don’t know, tell me. But, of course, I am still recovering from a sickeningly emotionally straining marriage, in which, I was NOT allowed to defend my feelings or thoughts. So, I have a hard time even now, when I feel stressed or strained, accepting the fact that I am tired and need rest or a break. Largely due to the fact that for years I was told if I didn’t get it all done, I was lazy, or didn’t follow directions, or do what was asked, (ah-hem, demanded) of me.
So, to tell you the truth, I don’t know how I do it? I have three beautiful children. Beaming with personalities, love, spirit. Smarts. One of my children is severely autistic and the task of parenting her is a job unto itself. It carries it’s ups and downs, and is a story all to itself, an adventure in emotion and stoicism for 5.5 years.
I survived the divorce last year. Draining. Emotionally draining, stressful.
I survived an abusive marriage. Draining, stressful, some post traumatic distress.
Here I am. In school full-time. Succeeding. The children are happy, healthy, thriving. We ARE doing it.
You can be sure of one thing, I wouldn’t choose to be anywhere else right now. During the deepest darkest days of my marriage I used to fantasize of things being different. I wasn’t sure how or what. I daydreamed that someday the ex would be a nice happy person who loved me, and we would someday have that happy household, “white-picket fences”….
I don’t wish or dream of being anywhere else. I don’t wish or dream that any of the characters in my life were different or better. Why? because I AM doing what I am supposed to be doing, and I am living my life the way it was meant to be lived, and I am on the right path in my life.
Is it easy? No. So how do I do it? I just get back up each day and charge ahead. Keep going. When it gets hard, I push harder, even if it hurts. And to use the analogy from swimming competitions as a 17-year-old, “swim through the wall”, has always been my motto. Just “swim through the wall”… push yourself as if you are going to go through it, don’t race like you’re going to stop AT the wall or you’ll slow down too soon.
I’m tired tonight. Have had a vice-grip of a headache all day. Have a ton of work this week. Yawn. We’ll get through it. I mean, I will.