Textbook

I swear the woman that wrote this must have written the script of my life for the past couple of months. It is scary how textbook these situations can be. Taken from www.womansdivorce.com.

“…….They need someone to have power over and they will sink to any level to try to continue to hurt us, or promise us anything to get us back.

Let’s start with them trying to get us back. In their minds we are their belongings, they don’t want to admit when it is over, they don’t want to feel they lost us. They are so sure of their power over us, they feel if they can say and do everything we want to hear and see, we will go back to them. Sadly enough, this often works.

When we first leave, so many emotions surface. Emotions we couldn’t feel while we were with our abusers. More often than not, there is a sense of loss. ………..We have grieving to deal with. We lost a dream, our hopes, our plans of growing old together, etc. ……….

…..

We went into this relationship thinking this was the right person for us. We were in love with them. Most of us changed our entire lives, for this person. Made them our center, everything we did was to make them happy, to adjust to their wants or demands. In the process of that, we lost ourselves. We became what they wanted us to be. We gave up things important to us or people they didn’t want us around. You become very accustomed to living for them. They have worked very hard to get us to that point.

Then we are FREE, able to do whatever we want. It takes time for that to sink in. They usually have us unsure of our own choices, now we have to make all the choices. Everything is up to us now. Our minds are like a whirlwind, trying to sort it all out, plus trying to grieve and heal at the same time.

Then they call. Says they LOVE you, misses you, knows they were wrong and is so sorry. They never meant to hurt you. Can’t we work it out, maybe we could try one more time and go to counseling this time. They’ll promise to change, quit drinking or doing drugs. They’ll spend more time with you and the kids. They’ll communicate more and let you be part of decisions. They will listen when YOU speak and be more caring and understanding. Etc. Etc. Etc.

These are ALL lies. We have all heard them, probably too many times. I think they sell this right next to the “Pick-up Lines” book! The sad part is, we want to believe them. We want it to be true. We want our dream back, that person they used to be in the beginning…….

…….We have to be honest with ourselves, we know they won’t change. We have to remember why we left and stay strong.

……This brings up the kids and how they use them to get to us. This can be very hard and hurtful to deal with. Our children become innocent pawns. They may tell them mom or dad’s keeping me away, it’s mom or dad’s's fault, I really want to be with you all the time, if mom or dad would change their mind…

Our children don’t understand this manipulation. They want to believe all this, too. They can unknowingly become a partner in the manipulation. Our children may get angry at us, even turn on us – for making mom/dad leave.

Trying to deal with this can be heartbreaking. Our children mean everything to us. We want them to understand and realize all the facts behind our decisions, but they can’t. Most of the time they are too young and immature to even begin to comprehend these issues. We as adults, having lived through it, have a hard time understanding. We can’t expect our children to either.

…… They may go the opposite, ignoring the children. Acting like they don’t even exist. Not paying the child support, because they are angry at our leaving, thinking this is a way to hurt us and get back at us.

……f none of this gets to us, they may bring mutual friends or family into the picture. Getting them to phone or drop by. Most of the time these people didn’t know or realize there was abuse going on, to begin with so, they will usually speak highly of the abuser. They might say what a good provider they were, how good looking they were, what a great sense of humor they had, how we seemed like the perfect couple, etc. It could be anything to get us thinking of their good points. We know the whole story, though and have to remember that.

……The most important thing is never second guess yourself. We made a big decision, for many important reasons. Mainly to be SAFE and FREE, and to break the cycle for our children, so they could have happy, productive lives. Once we are out, we need to follow through.

……….” CONTINUE READING